I am lacking a lot of things right now. Motivation, desire, joy, smiles, laughter, confidence, [self] love. Just to name a few. It sounds like a lot, and it is. I could blame a lot of different things; weather, holidays, work, friends. But it's not the fault of or result of just one thing or another. It's a combination of things which happens to include the weather (it's been gloomy for like, 5 days in a row), long (holiday) weekends throwing me off my routine, and a bunch of other stuff.
A week before Thanksgiving break my therapist dropped a ball on me (something I've not yet written about, but I will when I am ready) and I had to switch. I started with someone new on December 1st. I went back and forth for a long while about continuing therapy or just taking a break. In the end I started over. And that's exactly what it has been...starting over. It hasn't been easy. I'm struggling to open up. I'm still holding onto anger that got me there. I don't feel 100% safe in this new place. I am protecting myself from another potential hurt. I'm confused. I'm losing sleep over conjuring up my past life...my life that got me to exactly where I am. My new guy has told me more than one time that he does not judge me and (like all good therapists tell you) he has had far worse things than anything I have ever told him. I know therapists are non-judgmental, that's their job. I guess the judgment isn't exactly what I am afraid of. When I say I don't care what people think of me, I am 98% honest about that. I only care about 2% of what people actually think, and that's only when it ACTUALLY matters. every week I think about canceling, but every week I still show up. I'm working on it. I'm getting there and I hope to God when I do get there it is worth all of this anxiety and self doubt that has shown up along the way.
As a result of this therapy switch I feel like I have reverted back into bottling things back upside where I believe they are safe. I was just getting to some tough stuff and then I was abandoned. Mentally I know this doesn't make sense. In my opinion I have perfected the mask of looking, on the outside, like everything in honky dory. I have gotten really good at fooling everyone into believing me when I say "I'm good!" when often times on the inside I am close to tears, or want to punch a wall. Bottling up negative energy is exhausting. When I'm not bottling it up to protect myself I am doing it because I simply don't know how to explain what is going on inside of my head or my heart in words that I think anyone would understand. I can tell when people just won't "get it" or really don't care. I have wasted a lot of time and energy on those people. What I am also aware of, is the fact that so many other people I encounter daily have their own things going on "inside" that I have NO idea about. Anxiety brings on the burden. I can't possibly burden someone with my worries when they have their own to deal with. Right? Wrong.
I am aware that I am just not mentally with it right now. I am going home from work exhausted even on days that aren't all that busy I am sleeping as much as I can; I can't seem to get enough. I am searching for something that will inspire me, because right now I can't find anything inspirational, or motivating, or joyful. This isn't me. This isn't how I want to live. I know there is something more, I've been there before and I am desperate to get back to that place. I have a purpose in this life and I cannot fulfill that purpose if I am pouring from an empty cup. And I am empty.
A week before Thanksgiving break my therapist dropped a ball on me (something I've not yet written about, but I will when I am ready) and I had to switch. I started with someone new on December 1st. I went back and forth for a long while about continuing therapy or just taking a break. In the end I started over. And that's exactly what it has been...starting over. It hasn't been easy. I'm struggling to open up. I'm still holding onto anger that got me there. I don't feel 100% safe in this new place. I am protecting myself from another potential hurt. I'm confused. I'm losing sleep over conjuring up my past life...my life that got me to exactly where I am. My new guy has told me more than one time that he does not judge me and (like all good therapists tell you) he has had far worse things than anything I have ever told him. I know therapists are non-judgmental, that's their job. I guess the judgment isn't exactly what I am afraid of. When I say I don't care what people think of me, I am 98% honest about that. I only care about 2% of what people actually think, and that's only when it ACTUALLY matters. every week I think about canceling, but every week I still show up. I'm working on it. I'm getting there and I hope to God when I do get there it is worth all of this anxiety and self doubt that has shown up along the way.
As a result of this therapy switch I feel like I have reverted back into bottling things back upside where I believe they are safe. I was just getting to some tough stuff and then I was abandoned. Mentally I know this doesn't make sense. In my opinion I have perfected the mask of looking, on the outside, like everything in honky dory. I have gotten really good at fooling everyone into believing me when I say "I'm good!" when often times on the inside I am close to tears, or want to punch a wall. Bottling up negative energy is exhausting. When I'm not bottling it up to protect myself I am doing it because I simply don't know how to explain what is going on inside of my head or my heart in words that I think anyone would understand. I can tell when people just won't "get it" or really don't care. I have wasted a lot of time and energy on those people. What I am also aware of, is the fact that so many other people I encounter daily have their own things going on "inside" that I have NO idea about. Anxiety brings on the burden. I can't possibly burden someone with my worries when they have their own to deal with. Right? Wrong.
I am aware that I am just not mentally with it right now. I am going home from work exhausted even on days that aren't all that busy I am sleeping as much as I can; I can't seem to get enough. I am searching for something that will inspire me, because right now I can't find anything inspirational, or motivating, or joyful. This isn't me. This isn't how I want to live. I know there is something more, I've been there before and I am desperate to get back to that place. I have a purpose in this life and I cannot fulfill that purpose if I am pouring from an empty cup. And I am empty.
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