Skip to main content

All I Want For Christmas

All I want for Christmas is peace. Peace in my heart and peace in my mind. I haven't had a peace in my mind or in my heart for so long that I don't remember what it feels like. I have been so wound up, anxious, sad, burnt out on being anxious, tired, and busy the past three months that I don't even know where my thoughts begin and end anymore. I don't know what brought all of this on, but I am so tired of it. I know I am a happy girl, I know I have a good life, I know everything is okay, I KNOW that I am worth so much more, but I just can't talk myself into believing it anymore and I hate it. I HATE IT!!! I have never been so interested in giving up on everything in so long that the thought scares the hell out of me. I want to crawl in a hole and stay there. I am tired of going through the motions of living. I want to ACTUALLY LIVE! I am tired of sitting on my couch in the morning and crying because I feel so worthless and useless. I hate reading all of these articles about anxiety and depression and thinking "that's me, that's my life". I want to look at my pictures and be happy, not sad. I want to go out with my friends and actually be present in a conversation. I want to sleep at night without waking up in a sweat worried about something that doesn't matter. I want to make it through a day at home without having to take a power nap in the afternoon because I am so exhausted from just being awake. When I do want to sleep in or take a nap, I want to do it without being so worried about the fact that I should be up and having a productive day. I want to open my curtains and see the sun instead of closing them to hide from it. I want to feel my heart over flowing with love, and gratitude, and happiness like I know it is. I want to FEEL that. I want to feel it so I can BELIEVE it again. I want this darkness that is trying so hard to take over to just LEAVE me alone. I don't want to be this person anymore. I WANT MY LIFE BACK!!!

 I know I can beat these feelings I am having. I know deep down inside of me is that happiness that has gotten me so far the last three years. I know if I could just win one small battle with my brain I would be on my way back up. This monster is taking away my most favorite time of year, and I'll be damned if I let it. I have beaten worse times in my life, I can beat this too. I will NOT let Christmas be anymore ruined for me than it already has been. I refuse to lose. I will not let myself completely fall apart, because picking up the pieces and putting myself back together is something I swore to myself I did for the last time four years ago. I won't hit rock bottom, because I have been there before and I don't think that's something you can come back from twice.

 I am going to start all over with the things I know have helped me out of my funks in the past. I am going to try things I tried weeks ago and didn't work. I'm going to do this, for me. I'm going to climb back up out of the hole I am in, and I'm going to perservere, because that's what people with anxiety do. 







Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

RUDE

I've been in a pretty dark spot lately. Not the darkest I've ever been but definitely darker than I feel is comfortable or normal. I haven't been sleeping the best which I think is adding to this darkness. I just can't seem to stop my mind from running circles in my head. I can't stop worrying, even though I have no idea what I am worried about. And I am pissed off. I'm pissed off because people are so fucking rude, and mean. I'm pissed off because I put so much time and energy into friendships when I have one that is a two way street. I am pissed off because some people have NO idea what the real world is, what life REALLY is, and how to treat people, especially strangers. I would never, ever, EVER say the things to other people that I have had said to me. I would never find out about a problem or illness a friend or relative had and completely cut off all contact and act as if I was never their friend to begin with. I'm pissed off because some people...
Post a Comment
Read more

Compassion [Fatigue]

What is Compassion Fatigue? Is it real? Or is it some made up condition? I had a rough week last week where I was so emotionally dis regulated from running a gamut of up and down emotions. The good news is I was able to shake it off and enjoy my weekend full of activities. On Monday it all came to head and I was angry, tired, and realized I had a case of the "fuck its." I was sitting in my car before a meeting, listening to some music, and realized that I just simply do not care anymore. I don't have any shits to give about anyone, myself included. I started recounting the past few weeks of life and that is when Compassion Fatigue came to mind. I was exhausted/fatigued, and I didn't care. Surely I wasn't crazy for thinking this was a thing, was I? So, I did what normal people do and I took to Google. Here is what I found. "Studies confirm that caregivers play host to a high level of compassion fatigue. Day in, day out, workers struggle to function in care...
Post a Comment
Read more

They Say Fed is Best

Fed is best. At least, that's what you hear people say even if they don't really mean it and are just trying to be nice. The pressure on women to breastfeed is so overwhelming. It doesn't matter what frame of mind you go into the journey thinking, you will still feel all of the pressure and judgment you told yourself you wouldn't let bother you. I guess I don't know why it's anyone's business to know how you plan to feed your child, but it's one of the most asked questions when you are pregnant. I'm currently in a secluded office at work, pumping so I can do what needs to be done for my boy. Every time I plug in my pump and get myself hooked up my anxiety sky rockets. I could be having the calmest moment in the history of my calm moments, and the minute this machine starts doing it's work I am panicky, sweaty, racing heart, etc. I started pumping and freezing my supply back in April so when Theo started daycare he could have breast milk during ...
Post a Comment
Read more