Broken Crayons Still Color

There's a part of me and my life that I keep pretty quiet, especially around people I don't know. And that is my strong belief in God and everything else that entails. Last night I was in a conversation with some people, whom I have only known for about 3 months or so. The topic somehow got to spirituality and religion. Everyone knows you don't talk about politics and religion, which I kind of think is bullshit and the reason why everyone is always angry at each other. Lack of interest in other people's beliefs or opinions along with not having the desire to listen openly is causing a lot of tension between people in this world. I shared with these people my (very different compared to theirs) belief. I shared that I was raised Catholic, going to church weekly, having my First Communion in the second grade and confirmation in high school. I briefly mentioned some church retreats and youth rallies I have attended. I didn't tell them how much I enjoyed those events ...

For many years of my life I was a "social butterfly". I was always going full speed ahead. I was constantly with people, at social events/parties, always searching for things to do and places to go. I thrived in the social arena. Even in high school I was always wanting to go out and about and do things. Whether it was going to every single sporting event, the mall, a concert, or just having my friends over. I loved it! Not so much anymore. What I feel now is that people are exhausting. I am currently on about a two week stretch of constant social interaction and events including family, work, and friends. It has left me extremely fatigued and out of sorts. I have not had the amount of alone time I need to unwind, decompress, and take care of myself. It's not anyone's fault that I have been so busy. We had an extremely busy weekend with one of Matthew's work events that left me physically exhausted and in bed for most of a 24 hour stretch. Then we had a long wee...

I've been getting asked a really annoying and hurtful question a lot lately. "Do you ever have any good days?" I've been down this road before with people, and I am learning how to tell if the person asking me is doing so out of a caring place, or if they are asking that out of a place of hate. Usually I feel like it comes from a negative place, maybe hate isn't the right word. It's really a hurtful thing to be asked that question. I understand that many people don't realize this when they ask it, but I have come to believe than many times this question is asked with the intent to hurt. Asking me "Do you ever have any good days?" reinforces so many of the negative thoughts I have towards myself. It makes me stop and ask myself if I do, in fact, ever have a good day? It immediately discounts any amount of good that may have happened that day, or the day before even. I am trying to get better at not labeling my days as good or bad and it's ha...

What is Compassion Fatigue? Is it real? Or is it some made up condition? I had a rough week last week where I was so emotionally dis regulated from running a gamut of up and down emotions. The good news is I was able to shake it off and enjoy my weekend full of activities. On Monday it all came to head and I was angry, tired, and realized I had a case of the "fuck its." I was sitting in my car before a meeting, listening to some music, and realized that I just simply do not care anymore. I don't have any shits to give about anyone, myself included. I started recounting the past few weeks of life and that is when Compassion Fatigue came to mind. I was exhausted/fatigued, and I didn't care. Surely I wasn't crazy for thinking this was a thing, was I? So, I did what normal people do and I took to Google. Here is what I found. "Studies confirm that caregivers play host to a high level of compassion fatigue. Day in, day out, workers struggle to function in care...

I just got done reading yesterday's devotion in my neat little book that I seem to take so much comfort in but still struggle to remember to read daily. This week's theme is "your growth matters" and the title of the devotion was A Safe Place To Grow. Fitting for me and my current place in life. It talks about how a greenhouse is a safe haven for a plant to grow. It goes on to say that as one pursues a life that matters it is important to have a safe place to grow. A place where you can avoid elements that stunt your growth. A place where it is safe to make mistakes and try again. Be who you are, good, bad, or ugly. Where your roots can find healthy soil and be fed, watered, and nurtured. Direct access to the light of life. Somewhere in which you are able to plant your roots and flourish in a life that is meaningful and purposeful to YOU. As I sit outside soaking up the partly cloudy sky and warm temperature; taking a much needed mental break from the day I am refl...

I don't know if you're familiar with what it feels like to have an emotional hangover, but that's the state I am in right now. Yesterday I ran the gamete of emotions. I woke up early and happy. I read my daily devotional out loud to Matthew (and Wrigley), wore a fucking dress, got to work early, made coffee, and got busy. It all started falling apart shortly after. By noon I was in full blown panic. The worst it has been in a month or more. I took my shoes off. I walked laps in my office, took a break from technology, did my deep breathing exercises, and tried my best form of distraction. Nothing worked. I called Matthew. I went home to see my dog. I changed my clothes and went to a coffee shop where I feel safe. Still nothing. I emailed my therapist. I took a Klonopin and I worked on rebounding. I got myself together and functioned well for the next few hours. Eventually it came back with a vengeance and I ended my day in tears. I wrapped myself up in all of the blankets  ...

Over the past weekend Matthew and I participated in the adventure of a lifetime without leaving the city limits.  IT was Questival! Us and three of my co workers participated in a 24 hour scavenger hunt/competition with 522 other teams. We didn't know much of what we were getting ourselves into, but I agreed to it six weeks ago and Matthew didn't have a choice :) All we had to go off of until 24 hours prior to the beginning of said adventure, was reviews from other people who participated in other cities in the US. Some of them made this sound super scary, but mostly (to me) it sounded EXCITING! We didn't give a lot of thought to it or talk much about it after we registered, until about a week before it was happening. We literally went into this thing blind. Luckily for us one of my amazing co workers had taken the day off and was able to do a little prep work. After we got the list of (261) challenges I was scrambling in my head to figure out the logistics of all of this. ...