Broken Crayons Still Color

**I started writing this post about a week ago. I would type a little bit, then quit when I became overwhelmed with what I was trying to stay. I've had 10 therapy sessions now, which is two more than I had when I started this entry. It's time for me to be vulnerable. I started going to therapy (again), eight weeks ago. I went not only because I was tired of people suggesting it, but because I had a serious realization that I was not nearly as okay as I thought I was. It takes a lot of courage to take the first step. I made the phone call. I scheduled an appointment. And then I showed up. I've shown up for eight weeks in a row. I went in guarded. I went  in scared. I went in pretending I was okay. I pretended and I was discussing surface level issues. Eight weeks later I am feeling safe, and I am understanding that I have pushed so many things deep, deep, DEEP down inside of me for so long that I didn't even realize they were still having an affect on my emotional ...

Someone recently asked Matthew if he ever feels anxious, sad, depressed, etc. He immediately and bravely answered "No, I never do". And he meant it. And I believe him. And I admire him. What it must feel like to go through this life with no burdens of mental illness. What a toll it must take on a mentally healthy person to be married to an anxious ball of joyful, sad tears. What an amazing heart must beat in that chest of his. To be strong enough in his head and in his body for not only himself, but for another living being. A living being who looks to him to keep her from falling, to pick her up when she is down, and hold her up when she is weak. What strength he must have to deal with the heavy burden that comes with being married to me and my scary, dark, fearful, anxious thoughts that are really good at ruining things for all involved. Someone who has lost a parent and other family members all within a short period of time can opening and easily admit that he does not str...

So, I was driving to a work appointment today (as I do..) and I realized that I was having a pretty decent go at life today. The past two days were far from okay, so even though it wasn't the best day ever, I had a large window of time that I was feeling pretty damn good. Dare I say I even felt like myself? I had my music turned up, didn't use the GPS, and enjoyed the sunshine on my short little drive. I dealt with unplanned events at work, and I handled them the best I knew how. When all was said and done with my schedule taking me places I didn't plan to go, I found a quiet coffee shop I could hang out at and get caught up on work. It wasn't a chain and it wasn't one that I'd ever heard of. I really enjoy finding small, local places to spend my time in so I thought this would be perfect. I don't know if it was the actual coffee shop itself, the realization that I had a super crazy day (and tomorrow is going to be even crazier), or something else, but anx...

I realized the other day that I moved my ass to Austin, Texas six months ago, already. And then I realized that I moved my ass to Austin, Texas eight months after my first and only visit here. And then I realized, HOLY SHIT! I do not ever remember being so motivated or serious about accomplishing anything in my life. Except that one time when I went back to college to prove to everyone that I would graduate after taking time off. In the long run, that decision wasn't made 100% for my own self, it was to show everyone that they were wrong about me and that taking a year off wouldn't stop me from eventually finishing. It turned out to be a good move for me, and changed me a lot. So, being in Austin for six months already I decided I needed to reflect (of course). Six months flew by so quickly. It's not like SO MANY things have happened that I lost track of time, I feel like I have been living in the moment way more than I used to. Obviously I still have my bad days and stru...

I have started several blog posts recently and just couldn't finish any of them.  So as I'm laying poolside by myself to unwind from the weekend I'm going to try again. I've been working with a full caseload of youth who have mental health diagnosis. Something I've been working on them with is finding a safe place for them to come down from a crisis or when they become upset, overwhelmed,  mad, or sad.  I've also been helping them compile coping boxes and think outside of  the box (no pun intended) about what they could put in it. It took me longer than it should have to realize that I am missing a safe place in my life.  With my heightened anxiety and depression filling in the cracks it is something I desperately need. I've also done some self discovery and know that when I am having bad anxiety,  or a panic attack,  or feel so low that I don't know how I'm going to manage...all I REALLY need is to feel safe. I need to know that I am safe no matte...

Life lately has been hard. I had a rough week and it seems to have carried through the weekend as well. I hate to even admit that because I'm trying to make some changes in my brain. I'm trying to hammer out what a bad day really is. I'm trying to learn what makes a bad day in Meghan's world. I've been down on myself lately and I don't even understand why. Nothing has changed. My anxiety is constant and I feel like I don't even remember what it's like to not be hyper vigilant. I am in this state of constant worry with "what ifs" running rampant in my brain. It's been having difficulty concentrating on my job, being present in conversations, and even caring about myself in general. I've been irritable and tired.  I just haven't been myself and because I don't know what the real issue is I don't know what to do to bring myself back. I'm stuck. I'm full of doubt and worry and none of it is worth the time I spend thinkin...

I've been in a pretty dark spot lately. Not the darkest I've ever been but definitely darker than I feel is comfortable or normal. I haven't been sleeping the best which I think is adding to this darkness. I just can't seem to stop my mind from running circles in my head. I can't stop worrying, even though I have no idea what I am worried about. And I am pissed off. I'm pissed off because people are so fucking rude, and mean. I'm pissed off because I put so much time and energy into friendships when I have one that is a two way street. I am pissed off because some people have NO idea what the real world is, what life REALLY is, and how to treat people, especially strangers. I would never, ever, EVER say the things to other people that I have had said to me. I would never find out about a problem or illness a friend or relative had and completely cut off all contact and act as if I was never their friend to begin with. I'm pissed off because some people...