I realized the other day that I moved my ass to Austin, Texas six months ago, already. And then I realized that I moved my ass to Austin, Texas eight months after my first and only visit here. And then I realized, HOLY SHIT! I do not ever remember being so motivated or serious about accomplishing anything in my life. Except that one time when I went back to college to prove to everyone that I would graduate after taking time off. In the long run, that decision wasn't made 100% for my own self, it was to show everyone that they were wrong about me and that taking a year off wouldn't stop me from eventually finishing. It turned out to be a good move for me, and changed me a lot.
So, being in Austin for six months already I decided I needed to reflect (of course). Six months flew by so quickly. It's not like SO MANY things have happened that I lost track of time, I feel like I have been living in the moment way more than I used to. Obviously I still have my bad days and struggle to be in the moment when there is a good day, fearful of the next day or moment being terrible and erasing everything that good day brought. I have been working on creating my "new" life down here and I think so far it's going fairly well. Better than expected, because obviously when you have anxiety you don't have many positive expectations, right? I have gotten much more comfortable in my new job, I have been learning about my co workers and have navigated that pretty well, keeping mostly to myself when it's not work related. I have figured out how to cruise around this city without a GPS for every single trip and when to avoid the roads (like when it rains, people in Texas don't know how to drive in rain). Oddly enough driving in a new city with a million times the amount of people and traffic than SD has yet to cause me much anxiety. Unexpected traffic jams can do it to me, but for the most part I handle the traffic well (so far). When I think about me moving here alone and accomplishing so many things before Matthew arrived, it really makes me proud of myself. I don't often feel proud of myself so this is a small victory. I did a lot of things that I never imagined I could do, without him by my side. And I did those things successfully. I think that is my years of being Miss. Independent coming out. I had to be independent for quite a few years in my early 20s, and while it sucked at the time it made me tough and taught me quite a few life lessons.
While a lot of good has happened in the six months I've been living 1,200 miles from home, there's still a lot I am working on and waiting for. I am finding out (again) how hard it is to make friends when you are past the college stage, married, and without kids .One would think it would be easy. I thought it would be, hell I thought I'd have friends immediately. Turns out that I was wrong. I am finding out that I have no idea how to make friends anymore. I know being a guarded person doesn't help, which is why I am working on not being so guarded all of the damn time. Being an introvert doesn't help either. Of course I fear that I am going to fuck up the few friendships that I am building. It's hard. I have also spent so much time and energy on people who I thought were really good friends, that have literally closed the door in my face and left me to feel like there is something terribly wrong with me that causes it to happen. Am I ugly? Am I boring? Am I too fat? Do I smell bad? Am I annoying? I always wonder what is wrong with me instead of focusing on what people may like about me. Most would likely say "there is nothing wrong with you" but believing that isn't always easy when you can rattle off a list of people who used to be your friends and no longer know anything about you. Life happens and people get busy, it's a line I've heard a thousand times. I don't like that phrase. I digress.
My life in Austin has been nothing short of amazing. I am constantly reminding myself that we live here so we don't have to do everything RIGHT NOW. We have access to this beautiful city for as long as we want. It's okay to stay in on Friday night and go to bed early. It's okay to spend more time at the pool at our apartment complex than we spend going to the local swimming holes. It's okay to eat most of our meals at home and consider going out to eat a treat. It's perfectly okay to come home at night after work and stay put until we leave for work in the morning. Soon enough we will have all access to do anything and everything we want, with no restrictions. (read: we are nearly debt free!)
I need reminders more often than some, but life is good.
So, being in Austin for six months already I decided I needed to reflect (of course). Six months flew by so quickly. It's not like SO MANY things have happened that I lost track of time, I feel like I have been living in the moment way more than I used to. Obviously I still have my bad days and struggle to be in the moment when there is a good day, fearful of the next day or moment being terrible and erasing everything that good day brought. I have been working on creating my "new" life down here and I think so far it's going fairly well. Better than expected, because obviously when you have anxiety you don't have many positive expectations, right? I have gotten much more comfortable in my new job, I have been learning about my co workers and have navigated that pretty well, keeping mostly to myself when it's not work related. I have figured out how to cruise around this city without a GPS for every single trip and when to avoid the roads (like when it rains, people in Texas don't know how to drive in rain). Oddly enough driving in a new city with a million times the amount of people and traffic than SD has yet to cause me much anxiety. Unexpected traffic jams can do it to me, but for the most part I handle the traffic well (so far). When I think about me moving here alone and accomplishing so many things before Matthew arrived, it really makes me proud of myself. I don't often feel proud of myself so this is a small victory. I did a lot of things that I never imagined I could do, without him by my side. And I did those things successfully. I think that is my years of being Miss. Independent coming out. I had to be independent for quite a few years in my early 20s, and while it sucked at the time it made me tough and taught me quite a few life lessons.
While a lot of good has happened in the six months I've been living 1,200 miles from home, there's still a lot I am working on and waiting for. I am finding out (again) how hard it is to make friends when you are past the college stage, married, and without kids .One would think it would be easy. I thought it would be, hell I thought I'd have friends immediately. Turns out that I was wrong. I am finding out that I have no idea how to make friends anymore. I know being a guarded person doesn't help, which is why I am working on not being so guarded all of the damn time. Being an introvert doesn't help either. Of course I fear that I am going to fuck up the few friendships that I am building. It's hard. I have also spent so much time and energy on people who I thought were really good friends, that have literally closed the door in my face and left me to feel like there is something terribly wrong with me that causes it to happen. Am I ugly? Am I boring? Am I too fat? Do I smell bad? Am I annoying? I always wonder what is wrong with me instead of focusing on what people may like about me. Most would likely say "there is nothing wrong with you" but believing that isn't always easy when you can rattle off a list of people who used to be your friends and no longer know anything about you. Life happens and people get busy, it's a line I've heard a thousand times. I don't like that phrase. I digress.
My life in Austin has been nothing short of amazing. I am constantly reminding myself that we live here so we don't have to do everything RIGHT NOW. We have access to this beautiful city for as long as we want. It's okay to stay in on Friday night and go to bed early. It's okay to spend more time at the pool at our apartment complex than we spend going to the local swimming holes. It's okay to eat most of our meals at home and consider going out to eat a treat. It's perfectly okay to come home at night after work and stay put until we leave for work in the morning. Soon enough we will have all access to do anything and everything we want, with no restrictions. (read: we are nearly debt free!)
I need reminders more often than some, but life is good.
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