Broken Crayons Still Color

This year the holidays were more bad than good. It's not that they sucked or I didn't have fun or enjoy myself at all. They just brought with them a lot of negative feelings. They tested my strength and I didn't always pass that test. I feel like the older I get the less exciting the holidays are for me. As someone who grew up absolutely loving Christmas and everything about it, I struggle to find anything that I enjoy about it anymore. Because nobody shares my joy and excitement it doesn't get expressed like it did when I was younger. This year Christmas felt empty. That's really the only word I have to describe it. Not because I was alone or anything of the sort. I got some very nice gifts from my family members and was able to spend time with my husband's mom and her husband, as they were in town for a few days. It was empty for other reasons. It was my first Christmas away from my family; zero interaction with anyone in my family other than a phone call. It ...

Fatigue [f uh - teeg ] noun 1. weariness from bodily or mental exertion. I am so mentally fatigued that I don't even know what day it is anymore. I haven't been sleeping well for the past 7-10 days and it is wearing on me. I am so busy at work that I don't even know if I am coming or going half the time. I can barely keep my head above water lately. I am so tired of the day to day bullshit. I am so exhausted from trying to do everything. I am burned out from this anxiety that has taken itself to a new level. I was starting to feel the progress that I was making. It was evident to me in my day to day life that things were better. I had less anxiety. I had a slightly higher level of confidence in myself. I was utilizing my coping skills. I was doing my best to build my self esteem. I was feeling so much better about things overall. I came back from Thanksgiving with a positive outlook after leaving in such a funk. I wrote about how I had a ...

When I leave my daily life behind to go on a vacation for any length of time the transition back is typically pretty brutal. If the vacation involved seeing or being with my family I have separation anxiety to contend with on top of the other anxieties that come with transition and change. Being my first time back to South Dakota in 11 months I was gearing up for the worst. Typically we get back from our vacations later in the day, not leaving us with a lot of time to get unpacked and settled back in before diving back into the daily grind. I mentally prepared myself for what I assumed was going to be a no good, rotten day. With our flight getting back into Austin before 12n that meant we had an entire day to do our thing before reality hit us the next day. Knowing this, and being completely exhausted from traveling, I didn't let myself rest. We immediately went to get Wrigley from being boarded at our Vet and it was the sweetest reunion ever. We have never boarded him before and w...

Over Thanksgiving I was back in South Dakota for the first time in eleven months. I had a lot of anxiety going into the trip, I have never been away from home that long in my life. I was worried about how we would possibly be able to see everyone we wanted to see without spending a bunch of time away from my parents. I was fearful that there would be way too many people in my parent's house at the same time and I would lose my shit. I had all sorts of worry thoughts revolving around what the hell I would do if I saw people I no longer talked to or was friends with. Typical anxiety brain was running full speed ahead and I was very mindful of that, doing what I could to keep myself regulated. Packing was stressful, as it always is. When you live in a warm climate and have to pack to go to a cold climate it really cuts down on the amount you are able to over pack. For me, this is both good and bad. Good because I don't need to over pack, bad because I have anxiety and always thi...