Broken Crayons Still Color

I have been struggling a lot lately. I have had some pretty intense emotions recently including a lot of anxiety and feeling quite depressed. I've also had some great moments of happiness and laughter. Everyday is different. My anxiety picks different battles with me each and every day and there is no way that I can prepare for that. Sometimes those battles are minor and I can brush them off with a stern "fuck you anxiety" and carry on with my day. Other times anxiety wins and I throw in the towel by noon. When that happens the rest of the day is a wash. I go through the motions, but I don't usually feel accomplished. I don't like that I have to give up my entire day to anxiety. I also don't like how my anxiety turns me into my own worst enemy. Some days it leaves me with an overwhelming feeling of not being good enough. Other days it convinces me that nobody likes me and I am intentionally left out and forgotten about. Other times I feel completely suffocated...

trigger /noun/trig-ger/: something that causes something else to happen. Trigger is a popular word when it comes to mental health and illness. You especially hear it a lot when talking about PTSD and anxiety, and I suppose major depressive disorder and the like as well. Merriam Webster tells us a trigger is something that causes something else to happen. Sometimes triggers are internal, often times they are external. While navigating the world and life with anxiety I have found that a lot of my triggers are very simple, everyday things that I never realized were impacting me as much as they were. Over the past several months I am finding out I have triggers I didn't even know could be triggers. Like people who I know nothing about. Food. Sounds. Places. Stuff that may not completely set off my anxiety radar but things that definitely bring up unwelcome and uncomfortable feelings of nostalgia or anxiety. At the same time there are things that throw me into a complete...

I have been hit over and over with waves of anxiety lately. I say waves because when it hits me, it comes seemingly out of nowhere. I have a couple of good days and then I am being pushed over and the wind is being knocked out of me. I barely have time to catch my breath so I can get up and fight on before the next one comes. Eventually the waves settle and I carry on. This pattern of the high tide knocking me on my ass over and over again has me so very tired. It is exhausting to fight through these feelings that are drowning me. I can't keep my head above water long enough to remember what it feels like to NOT have anxiety. Even on my "good" days I am on edge just waiting for something to happen that can change that title from "good" to "bad". What I am doing is letting a few moments of time define my entire day.  I am aware that this is just adding to my anxiety and tiredness, and it is a frame of mind that I am working to change. It doesn...

Tomorrow Matthew and I will wake up and realize we have been married for two full years. Two years of wedded bliss. Two years longer than some may have thought we would last. Two years of adventures. Two years of love, of learning, of fighting for each other, two years as husband and wife. Two years since we said "I Do" and partied like it was 1999. Two years of disagreeing that married life was hard. Two years since our first dance as Mr. and Mrs. I'll be kind, if you'll be faithful You be sweet and I'll be grateful Cover me with kisses dear Lighten up the atmosphere Keep me warm inside our bed I got dreams of you all through my head Fortune teller said I'd be free And that's the day you came to me Came to me Come to me my sweetest friend Can you feel my heart again I'll take you back where you belong And this will be our favorite song Come to me with secrets bare I'll love you more so don't be scared And when we're old a...