Skip to main content

Bad (Mon)day

I used to have really terrible Mondays. I could always count on Monday's anxiety being sky high. I started taking my PRN on Sunday nights to help alleviate that. It worked. Eventually my Tuesdays started to become the shitty days. Mondays were good and Tuesdays were bad. It was weird. This week, Monday was bad. I had the holiday off so I planned on getting a few things and just vegging. The morning went well and the next thing I knew I was so anxious and restless that I couldn't focus for more than what felt like 5 minuets. My brain was doing circles in my head and all I could think of was negative things. Things like...
I am fat. And ugly.
Nobody at home misses me.
I don't have any friends.
My husband is secretly glad that I am in Texas, away from him.
I am a burden on everyone I know.
I suck at everything I try to do.
I have no hobbies, and I am annoying.
Everyone holds my anxiety disorder against me and thinks I am fucked up.

You know, the basic lies that anxiety and depression are really good at planting in your head. I went from being anxious and restless to downright sad. I tried to do some of my coping mechanisms. Coloring worked for about 20 minutes. Reading didn't work because yesterday I had to re read the pages that I did manage to read. I couldn't get anything to come out when I tried to blog. Netflix increased my anxiety because I became overwhelmed by trying to pick out a show. Music worked, until I decided that none of the songs were good.

Wrigley. He helped. I snuggled with him, closed my eyes, and tried to just be. I think some tears probably slid out of my eyes, but he's really good at getting those for me.  I took him for a short little walk and the fresh air helped. I just couldn't get my brain to shut up. I think I eventually fell asleep shortly before 10, woke up again around 11, and was awake several times thereafter. At my typical 3 am wake up I stayed up for awhile before deciding that was stupid because I knew I had some trainings at work that would need real attention. Last night I finally slept better until about 4 am and then I was in and out.

I know bad days happen, but days that literally in incapacitate me really suck. My dreams have been so fucked up the last couple of weeks two and I'm starting to wonder if it was my med switch that is causing them. Seriously, last night I had a dream that I was dating Carrie Underwood, what the hell!? (Not that I would turn her down, but I'm married...to a man! Happily!)

Bottom line is, anxiety doesn't let me forget that it is there. I miss people from home but I don't miss home..(yet?..) I miss having my husband right next to me, but I guess the hard lesson is that he won't always be there. I need to find my new "work person" (Katie, nobody will be as good at that as you were!) I need to let reality completely set in.

And I need to slap my brain and tell it to SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Lost.

Life lately has been hard. I had a rough week and it seems to have carried through the weekend as well. I hate to even admit that because I'm trying to make some changes in my brain. I'm trying to hammer out what a bad day really is. I'm trying to learn what makes a bad day in Meghan's world. I've been down on myself lately and I don't even understand why. Nothing has changed. My anxiety is constant and I feel like I don't even remember what it's like to not be hyper vigilant. I am in this state of constant worry with "what ifs" running rampant in my brain. It's been having difficulty concentrating on my job, being present in conversations, and even caring about myself in general. I've been irritable and tired.  I just haven't been myself and because I don't know what the real issue is I don't know what to do to bring myself back. I'm stuck. I'm full of doubt and worry and none of it is worth the time I spend thinkin...
2 comments
Read more

Whatever Happened to Respect?

I've been thinking a lot lately. Shocker, I know. A friend of mine reached out to me a few months ago about my blog. He talked to me about how he had been tossing around the idea of starting a blog. I asked him what he wanted to write about. His reply really shocked me. He told me he often keeps his opinions to himself and is a "people pleaser" during conversations to avoid any arguments or disagreements between him and his friends. He told me that if his friends knew what his real thoughts and feelings on different topics were they would be really surprised. I was shocked! I didn't think he was one to just go with the crowd. I explained to him that I thought that was a great thing to write about and how I have worked my way out of being that same way. We talked about how keeping our mouth shut doesn't do any good in the long run and eventually it starts to really wear on a person to feel like they can never voice their opinion without feeling like your friends wi...
1 comment
Read more

Before Thirty

In five days I will turn 30. In five days I will no longer be a 20-something. I will end one decade of my life and start another one. I will have to remember to change the 2 to a 3 when someone asks me how old I am, or rather, when I tell someone (because it's rude to ask a lady's age, right?) I can't believe that my years of being a 20 something are coming to an end. At times it felt like my 20s flew by, but most of the time I feel like they actually lasted a nice, long time. I never imagined myself living to be 21, and now here I am. Closing out the chapter of my life that really, truly, made me who I am today. Once I hit 21, and then 22, and eventually 25 and so on, I realized that I made it much farther in life than I ever imagined I would, and that maybe life wasn't so bad after all. Last week when we were on vacation I asked Matthew what day it was, (because who keeps track of time and days on vacation?!) and he told me it was April 7th. I think my jaw literally d...
1 comment
Read more