Broken Crayons Still Color

One year ago I was a month deep into unemployment. The other day I was sitting at my desk, looking out the window and wishing I had the summers off. I was immediately thrown back into last year when I DID have the summer off. It caused my mind to race and think about all of the ups and (mostly) downs of last summer. How long some of the days are, how many tears I cried, how low my self esteem was, how stressed out I was...all of the bad things. Granted there were a few good things about having the summer off...I read a ton of books, I got my wedding planned, and I realized how hard life can be. What a wake up call last summer was to me in both positive and negative ways. My mind eventually went to how much different I am this summer than I was last summer. Not only am I now employed but I have my self esteem back..(most days!) I feel like I am a real human again. I have social interactions with more than just myself, my husband and my family. I have a reason to get up in the morning ...

I have been exhausted the past two or three weeks and when I was trying to figure out why I came up with nothing. I don't stay up late, I haven't been doing any strenuous exercising (even though I should be), work hasn't been [overly] stressful, and my evenings haven't been any busier than usual. And then it hit me. I have let depression slowly creep back in and my anxiety has been higher than normal for about three weeks now. That is why I have been exhausted. People who have never experienced mental illness or have an understanding of it would think that it isn't possible to be exhausted from living. They probably call it lazy. They don't know. I haven't been depressed in the way that anybody probably has noticed. I haven't been crying, or losing weight, or overeating. I have had less energy, a racing mind, a terrible self esteem, and been crabbier than usual. I haven't been myself and even if nobody else has seen that, I have. I can't pain...